When I’m hurt, I lash out. It’s not my finest quality. Apparently my stings, pinches and roars have quite the affect on my relationships with new people. It’s unfortunate that I am expected to step outside of my nature to appease the egos of others. Maybe I could be a leopard who changes her spots but…I kinda like being the Crab Scorpion Lion that I am.
Could I be nicer in the face of pain? Yes. I admit that it is not pretty to be on the receiving end of my reaction to painful stimuli. As a crab, I protect my inner self. So when I’ve let someone breach the shell I’ve created around the soft center of me, I feel exposed.The crab retreats and lets the lion roar. Lion me cries loudly, rants and talks a lot of shit…but it’s the scorpions sting that kills many a developing friendship.
I sting when I’m hurt. I try not too…but it’s like the fable of the scorpion and the frog. A frog and a scorpion both need to cross a river, the frog puts the scorpion on it’s back and begins swimming. The scorpion stings the frog. The frog cries out, “Why would you sting me? Now we’ll both die.” The scorpion says, “It’s my nature.”
It’s my nature. But in this instance, I want to learn how to control my sting. Some people genuinely deserve to be stung by me. Some do not. They simply are experiencing their on humanity and make mistakes as we all do. These people don’t deserve to be stung for simply being human. That’s part of my soul work. To know when to sting.
On this path of growth I walk, I expect so many things to happen immediately. They do not. It takes work and the development of new habits, of new agreements. I long to do better, truly. It’s just that sometimes my primal nature erupts from the depths of me and takes over. Part of my soul work is to control that reaction…and I’m learning. But I haven’t perfected a technique yet, so bear with me.
Such is the dilemma of the Crab Scorpion Lion Woman. She is a hot mess…but working on it.
I’ve been called a hypocrite again and I don’t like it. People assume that being on a metaphysical journey means I have it all figured out. Like, I shouldn’t ever make human errors in judgment or action because I emblazon my Facebook page with messages of positivity. That is unfair. It’s described as a journey because that’s what it is a journey. Not a destination I’ve reached.
Yes. I am on a path. A righteous path which winds and curves. Sometimes there’s rocks and debris that need to be moved. Sometimes the path is loose and overrun with weeds…but rarely is it made of concrete. I’ve been known to stray from my path but I always find my way back to it. As the great 80’s band Human League tells us, “I’m only human. I’m flesh and blood. I’m made.” I have and will fall. The true testament of my character lies in the fact that I acknowledge that I have fallen and decide to pick myself up to walk the path again.
I tell ya. Being in Atlanta this summer has been so amazingly different from last year …or any of the other years I’ve come home for vacation.
I think it’s me. I’m different. Last summer I was runnin’ around like a chicken with her head cut off. Making a movie, making friends, making waves and riding them as only a crab can made Atlanta Vacation 2011 very, very hectic. I was a she-crab boiling in a vat of delicious gumbo…and kinda enjoying it.
This year I’ve been more of a hermit crab. A direct contrast to last year but hey, Cancers are changeable, right? I feel good! I love my introverted vacation. In my humble opinion, it’s appropriate for the many changes I’ve experienced over the year since last summer. I need this mini-break, this time to slow down and enjoy my family. After all, their the ones who sacrifice so much for me to follow my dream of being an award winning, successful film maker. Love my family!
I am excited to get home to Florida (seems so weird writing that) and begin production on a new project but for now, I’m chillin’ at my brother’s house, recovering from yesterday’s massive family eat-a -thon and gettin’ ready to meet my nieces at the neighborhood park.
I am now officially 39 years old. One year shy of 40…and it feels so GOOD.
Tuesday was my birthday and I celebrated in true Cancer fashion with a healthy mix of spirituality and debauchery. This year debauchery came first. lol. Some friends and I stayed at The Clinton Hotel on South Beach. It was super cool that our room was upgraded to an amazing suite with an outside jacuzzi…and they gave me a bottle of pink champagne for my birthday. Sweet! Let the party begin.
My friends all came bearing gifts fit for a Cancer-Moonbaby-Starchild. Chocolate Chocolate Chip Cookies with Almonds (Thanks, Oriana! Delicioso!), wine and sangria (Wendy, you Rock!), an armlet made in ancient snake design (I LOVE it Kristi!) and an awesome tarot reading (Farrah…you are my Sistar!). See how Universal Intelligence works? My birthday celebration was destined to be RAD.
Since we were in South Beach, we went to this underground club called Jazid that was playing old skool and soul. They even had karaoke! I love drunken karaoke! The alcohol was flowing and Oriana stood up on a bench with me as we danced. The night was filled with libations, pizza, sushi, sake, champagne, “Call me a Cab” drinks and chocolate. The morning began at 6:18am.
The one thing I really planned to do was sunrise on the beach. Farrah, Wendy and I ambled down to the beach in our hazy state and watched the sun come up. It was AWESOME. My girls are awesome for coming with me. We did some sungazing, something I’d wanted to try and I felt the sun’s pulse beating on my eyes. Happiness is a warm Sun.
What a great way to start a new year. Wine, Women and Song. Chocolate, Sunrise and Love.Wonder Filled and Auspicious
My friend missed her cruise and was having a hard time of it. She invited me to spend the night at her beachfront hotel. To make a long story short, I ended up having a stay-cation…and it felt good.
Let me just make this clear, the first night I fell asleep. lol. I got into that fluffy white angel bed at the hotel, had a glass of wine and fell right to sleep on my friend while we in the middle of a conversation. In fact, I slept at the beach most of the next day and woke up refreshed. I didn’t realize how much I needed to rest.
Unfortunately, my friend was depressed but we did get out for a walk later that evening and stayed up last night talking…and drinking red wine. We talked about our lives, our loves and our heartbreaks. We talked about being black, middle class Americans. We talked about natural hair vs. weaves. We talked and drank wine and had fun on the beach. Great Staycation!
So here’s to my friend Wendy. Thanks for the AWESOME staycation! Even though it wasn’t under the best of circumstances, it was definitely fun and much needed…for both of us.
Oh! …and Thanks for watching Brokeback Mountain and Drive Angry. Both were entertaining in their own way.
“I wish I knew how to quit you.”
Yesterday I ate like a pig! lol. Thank goodness it was mostly healthy…mostly. So we had a crap load of watermelon left over. I remembered that one of my detox/cleanse sister’s made some watermelon water as a cool, refreshing way to stay hydrated. Well, I thought to myself…I can do that! Seems like it should be delicious.
Long story short, I was researching recipes when I stumbled across a recipe for Watermelon Aqua Fresca. My Spanish isn’t that great but it seemed like watermelon water to me! Well, what it turned out to be was something even more yummy. A sort of watermelon slushie with a lime kick…lol.
So I started out making one thing and ended up making another. No worries. That’s just how Cancer’s do it sometimes. Change is inevitable. Yummy change is delicioso!
It is time for me to embrace my inner goddess. Why not? I’m 38 years old and ready to take charge in my life. All of my inner child work and soul work and chakra work has taught me this: Do Not Operate in Fear.
I recalled a song the other day. It’s a sweet song. Kinda innocent and deep at the same time.
“Life. Life is what you make it. So come here my dear. Try to make it. I know that you will.”
It’s time to give it a try!
My inner goddess is telling me it’s time to play! Time to have fun and bask in the sunshine. I’m doing the work. I’m being creative. I’ve set my goals. Now it’s time to add some pleasure to my joy.
I like her. My inner goddess is a heck of a smart lady. I think I’ll take her advice.