It’s about 9:00 o’clock pm on the night of my first day as a public school teacher…except the school cancelled the position. For some reason, one that was only slightly explained to me, I no longer have a job. Not because I’ve done anything wrong, but I just happened to be last hired, first fired. Wow. That blows.
I’ve been a woman for a long time but getting news like this on a day like today, it’s enough to make a girl jump in front of a bus. What’s the problem? Is it me? I promise that I really try my hardest to do my best all of the time. That’s what our mothers taught us right? We have to be the brightest and the happiest and the most efficient all of the time so that no one mistakes us for angry or mean or lazy. Black girl problems.
The loss of this job most likely isn’t racially motivated. It’s just that I can only see it through my two black eyes. Eyes dotted by this knew punch to the face. Wow. Mere days away from the first day of school and I’m back to square one.
Now this all happened this morning so I have been a wreck all day. I left the school and came home to think, strategize and get back on the job search merry go round. I called unemployment. I called my folks in high places. I tried calling my mom but she wasn’t home and my best friend didn’t pick up so I didn’t really get a chance to decompress. My girlfriend’s been great but…I just feel kind of like a failure right now so, yeah.
Money. Money. Money. We all need it but for some us the relationship has been so rocky! At times like this, I can’t stop thinking. My mind spins on its own crazy axis and I feel as if I’m going insane. I believe in The American Dream. I’ve been trying to pull myself up by my bootstraps. I vote and pay taxes. Why can’t I find my piece of the pie? Let me off this ride, sir. I want to be free of this crazy cycle of fighting for a job over and over. I need a vacation from this job hunt!
So, what’s girl to do? I’ve cried. I’ve cursed. I’ve felt sorry for myself. I’ve applied for fifteen jobs and called my re-employment specialist. I’ve done everything I possibly can so, why do I feel so useless?
I start my 21 day meditation journey tonight. It’s to expand my happiness.
I sure could use some of that right now.