One of my earliest memories is of wanting to be a model. The clothes I would wear! I loved fashion and even though I never had the patience to learn a sewing machine, even though I took Clothing in highschool, I just thought that world was perfectly suited for a girl like me.
I ran the idea past a few people. “I want to be a model!” I declared, not knowing that my plump, childish body was not what designers wanted. I never considered that I couldn’t model. I loved clothes. I loved fashion. I loved to be in front of the camera. A beloved family finally broke it down to me, “You’re not made for modeling. You’re smart. You could be a doctor or lawyer. Your sister can be a model. She’s tall and slim. That’s what models look like.”
What? I suddenly felt ugly and fat. What good is being smart without being beautiful? I hadn’t realized that I wasn’t beautiful or at least pretty until that moment. Why wasn’t I born pretty like my sister? Why wasn’t I slim? Why was I so fat?
Looking back, I wasn’t even a fat kid. By today’s standards, I would be pretty normal. But in the early 80’s, if you weren’t smaller than a size 8, you were positively obese. At twelve years old, I slit my wrist.
Being a coward, I used ice and a somewhat dull knife. Fortunately, my mom found me sitting in the hallway in front of my bedroom cutting myself. A cry for help and a tad dramatic…but, my mom was so afraid. After that, it was her mission to make me feel better about myself. My body. My face. Even my mind.
That feeling still creeps on me. Why can’t my body be less round? Why can’t I look like the beautiful women I see everyday? It doesn’t happen all of the time but sometimes, that unhappy little girl sings a song of disappointment and low self esteem in my ear. I really wish she’d find something else to say.
In fact, this blog is a way to change that song. Making that child me learn to look for happy memories of myself. Making time to love her present self which ain’t half bad looking for a 41 year old mother of two.
So, I just wanted to begin with the past but I won’t rest there. This blog is my heartfelt letter to myself.
These are the words I want replayed in my head.\
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL
Just writing those words makes me feel better. This is day one of my journey.
I love you, Crystal. You are beautiful and worthy of love.
“Everyday, in Every Way, I get Better and Better.”