So today I ended up having a conversation with a guy I used to date in college. These trips down memory lane are always funny because I don’t always remember things. It’s one of the side effects of self medicating for several years. I accept this and know this about myself. Yet it’s always interesting to hear stories about myself that I don’t recall. Let’s call it Reagan Syndrome and move on.
For some reason, I’ve been doing something on my phone which causes it to send friend request to people. It’s a random thing. I think I’m just hitting the wrong key since the buttons are made for people with Barbie fingers. On the other hand, maybe it was Divinely Ordered that I have this particular conversation with this particular dude today. Here’s what was revealed to me.
I had completely blocked out all memory of this man. I didn’t recognize his name or why’d we’d lost contact. It was like he had to walk me through our times together. We dated. He called it “a whirlwind romance”. He’d even met my mother. He was a little miffed that I couldn’t remember any of this and told me that I’d “turned him out and then dissed” him. As we continued to talk, I began to remember the story from my perspective. I remember being into him and being unsure as to whether he liked me or not. I also kinda remember thinking that he’d slept with my friend…which would’ve explained me going incommunicado.
As we talked, I began to feel the memories return. I remembered the feeling of hurt and disappointment I felt when everything went to shit. Then…I remembered that it was a long time ago and neither one of us could tell the story from the others perspective. So, now I’m smiling as I type this. Funny how life comes full circle, eh?
He asked me if I am lesbian or bisexual. I told him that I’m a lesbian who was born bi-sexual. Being a lesbian is a conscious choice I’ve made. It’s how I identify.
He also let me know that if I’m ever in town and want to try men again, to look him up. I get lines like that a lot. It makes me chuckle. I’m not sure that he understands that me having sex with him has nothing to do with me being bisexual or lesbian. I’d just be a lesbian who wanted to experience sex with a man. Kind of like a straight man who wants to experience sex with transexual person. It wouldn’t change who I am.
Well…it was an interesting moment. I learned that my blocking mechanism is strong and sturdy. Who knows what’s crammed inside these memory banks? It felt good to hear a man, someone I’d known in the biblical sense, say he’d had fond recollections of our time together. I remember that time as being difficult for me. My early twenties were a confusing melange of joy, depression, angst and moments of extremely low self esteem. I’m glad that I’m not remembered as a victim but as “Independent and Flaky”. That’s important. Can’t be seen as weak. lol.
Anyway…am I wearing lesbian repellant? Why aren’t women offering me sex in faraway land?
Le Sigh. Que Sera Sera.