Change Of Heart


Looking back on my life, I realize that most of the really bad decisions I’ve made have been out of some sick, sad longing for someone to fill a space within me that is unfillable. I have wasted so much time longing and hoping and giving and striving to be better. Someone who deserves to be loved. Someone lovable.

I even tried giving up on finding love and just enjoying casual affairs. It never worked. Ninety percent of the time. I didn’t enjoy it…the sex or the aftersex. Those times I did enjoy it only lead to the other person trying to control me with it.

My friends give me advice that doesn’t work for me. They tell me to wait. I have. They say work on yourself. I do. They tell me a lot of things and I know they’re trying to help but it just doesn’t apply to me. I’m a forty three year old, black, single mother. What am I waiting for? Death?

So, I’ve come to the point where I’m like fuck it. I don’t want sex. I don’t want a partner. I don’t want pity. I just want to move on with my life.

Maybe that’s what people like me have to do to be happy. Just say Fuck It All. I gave it the ol’ college try…and I know somebody’s thinking, “See now you’ll meet somebody coz you’re not looking.” To that, I say shut the fuck up. It’s really too little, too late. I could give two rat shits.

Deep breath…I know this seems like I’m angry. I’m not. Resigned is more like it. I’m not crying celibacy. I’m not saying I’m asexual or without sexuality. I’m saying that I’m tired of sex. I’m tired of swapping fluids with people. I’m tired of sex  with myself. I’m just bored with it all. Sex bores me. I can’t even muster up the desire to masturbate.

Here I lie in bed after a long weekend of sad, lingering loneliness. I went through a bunch of feelings: bitterness, jealousy, anger, sadness, hopelessness and fear. Why? It all stemmed from a loneliness so deep and consuming, I felt as if I’d fallen into a bottomless pit of pain.

I never want to feel that way again. I deserve more. I just know that if wanting a companion, a lover, a somebody to give me attention feels that bad…I choose another path. Now there’s a new life ahead of me. I walk alone on purpose. I choose me. My sanity. My journey. My spirit quest…

and nobody better offer me any bullshit advice because I I don’t want it. I know you mean well but I don’t want it.

Just be happy for me. I’ve decided to be happy. Me. By myself. Happy.

Thank you.




Silent (R)evolution.

It’s after 2am on a Thursday morning and my mind is racing. My horoscopes tell me not to worry. The energy of the universe is ripe with conflict, confusion and discord, they say. After consulting the oracle, the message I recieved is to veer away from giving my power away by blaming others. I’m getting the feeling that it’s all about me being strong. Being focused on my own power. I hear you, Universe…but I need a little comfort food for my soul.

My birthday message was to Stay True And Be In Your Power. I have taken that to heart but what does it mean? I ask now because I have once again found myself at a crossroads. I am in need of healing. My immediate need is to discover how to heal.

There is a point in every persons life when she must widen her gaze and stop succumbing to patterns which no longer serve her. It was around this time last year that I had to exercise Faith and Spiritual Diligence. Why has this combination of issues reared its head again? Why am I facing problems I thought were solved in the  past?

I think that the problem isn’t in the why. I’m not even sure that there is a problem. I could just be dealing with the malaise of my generation but here’s what I’m doing about it.

I center myself spiritually. Admittedly I have had moments of self pity and tearful rantings against the injustices heaped upon me. Crying supplies some relief but change doesn’t begin with simple release. I pray. I meditate.

I accept that I am a spirit being experiencing life as a human and that being human comes with its challenges. I know myself more than ever so, why has it been so tough these past few days? The ups and downs have been so drastic, do I dare say it, time for a revolution.

A spiritual revolution, to be more exact. It’s time to rekindle the fire beneath my feet. I need results. I demand a change within. Apathy has gotten me nowhere. I challenge myself to use the tools available to me to strike at the heart of terror, even if those tools seem as small as a hammer in the face of a tank.

What are my weapons?

Self Love. Meditation. Showering myself with positive affirmations. Prayer. Moments of solitude. Paying attention to my emotions, aside from my reaction to others. My Definite Purpose. Self Motivation. These are my non-lethal weapons.

Now that I’ve written all of this down, I feel much more centered. Release is also an under used tool in my arsenal. The energy of this time is intense. Maybe it’s time to go back to my daily writing habit. I’ve missed it and writing is my favorite way to vent the angst build up within.

Let the Revolution begin!

But…after the fight, what then? When the fire cools, how do I prevent falling into the same traps? That’s when the revolution becomes evolution. It’s at that time I need to rebuild and recover. The battle is the easiest part. The preventing future battles is The Great Work. How do I do this?

Well, stepping out on Faith is the beginning. The same tools for the battle work. Maintaining a positive energy field around and within me is where I begin. More affirmations, more positivity and prayer is necessary to keep this field steady. More self work and self love.

I will grow and change. Become someone new and improved because survival of the fittest is real. Although I must fight, I must conquer my fears as well. It’s imperative that I become a Highly Evolved Spirit Being, for my own sake.