Change Of Heart


Looking back on my life, I realize that most of the really bad decisions I’ve made have been out of some sick, sad longing for someone to fill a space within me that is unfillable. I have wasted so much time longing and hoping and giving and striving to be better. Someone who deserves to be loved. Someone lovable.

I even tried giving up on finding love and just enjoying casual affairs. It never worked. Ninety percent of the time. I didn’t enjoy it…the sex or the aftersex. Those times I did enjoy it only lead to the other person trying to control me with it.

My friends give me advice that doesn’t work for me. They tell me to wait. I have. They say work on yourself. I do. They tell me a lot of things and I know they’re trying to help but it just doesn’t apply to me. I’m a forty three year old, black, single mother. What am I waiting for? Death?

So, I’ve come to the point where I’m like fuck it. I don’t want sex. I don’t want a partner. I don’t want pity. I just want to move on with my life.

Maybe that’s what people like me have to do to be happy. Just say Fuck It All. I gave it the ol’ college try…and I know somebody’s thinking, “See now you’ll meet somebody coz you’re not looking.” To that, I say shut the fuck up. It’s really too little, too late. I could give two rat shits.

Deep breath…I know this seems like I’m angry. I’m not. Resigned is more like it. I’m not crying celibacy. I’m not saying I’m asexual or without sexuality. I’m saying that I’m tired of sex. I’m tired of swapping fluids with people. I’m tired of sex  with myself. I’m just bored with it all. Sex bores me. I can’t even muster up the desire to masturbate.

Here I lie in bed after a long weekend of sad, lingering loneliness. I went through a bunch of feelings: bitterness, jealousy, anger, sadness, hopelessness and fear. Why? It all stemmed from a loneliness so deep and consuming, I felt as if I’d fallen into a bottomless pit of pain.

I never want to feel that way again. I deserve more. I just know that if wanting a companion, a lover, a somebody to give me attention feels that bad…I choose another path. Now there’s a new life ahead of me. I walk alone on purpose. I choose me. My sanity. My journey. My spirit quest…

and nobody better offer me any bullshit advice because I I don’t want it. I know you mean well but I don’t want it.

Just be happy for me. I’ve decided to be happy. Me. By myself. Happy.

Thank you.




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