Actually, I am kinda unclear as to what day it is but I do know I haven’t written in two days, so I’ll just assume it’s Day Twenty-Eight. What I do know is that this path I’ve chosen seems to be taking a lot longer to walk than I thought. In the past, I’ve joined meditation groups, manifestation groups, chakra healing groups and a host of others with good results. It’s been a healing and growing experience in the past but this time deciding to go it alone is intense.
Maybe journeying with a group has a support system element that I am seriously lacking at the moment. Most of the friends I made since I’ve been in Florida have moved away or we’ve moved apart. At times, I feel rudderless and at sometimes, pervasive loneliness takes hold.
So, how do I make this a better experience? Well, these are my thoughts.
I want to lose weight. I have gained about ten pounds of the around thirty I’d lost. After the car accident a few months back, I’ve been expanding gradually. I’m tired of gaining weight and losing confidence. I want my swag back! Ok…I’ve never really had any swag but now’s the time, right?
Chakra aligning practices and meditation has helped in the past. I haven’t been able to meditate in months. It’s crucial to this new path to incorporate some real spiritual practice. In my opinion, a strong spiritual practice is what’s been missing in this new life I’ve been planning. Time to get aligned! My ancestors didn’t survive slavery, segregation and the GOP without prayer and self love. Time to get me some!
I am so serious about my life and the quality of it. I have been going through the motions for too long. It’s time to get out there! It’s time to grab the reins and direct my life instead of just riding the waves. Of course, I’m pumping myself up right now. Who better to do it? What better time?
I’m rewriting the rules and making today the day that I plan the new leg of my journey. What has occurred is the preamble. Time to get real.
Today, I plan. Beginning tomorrow, I will concentrate on my root chakra. Foods that stimulate this chakra. Meditations and frequencies to target the root chakra will be my anchor. Every week I will focus on a specific chakra. It’s worked before and I look forward adding this healing element to my journey.
So, for the next leg of this journey, let the healing begin. It’s time to bring some life to this party!
Amir told me that his teacher said if you go to sleep after waking up in the morning, you’ll wake up even more tired during day. Basically, it’s better to just stay awake instead of taking a morning nap.
I think his teacher may be on to something.
It had become a recent habit of mine to go back to sleep after taking The Jabaris to their individual destinations in the morning. I didn’t have to punch a clock, so why not? But, I would sometimes wake up dragging. I just felt so sluggish and I couldn’t figure out how I was so tired after sleeping. Today I decided to skip the nap and just push on through.
At first, it didn’t seem like a good idea. I dressed for the gym, hopped in the truck and took Amir to his bus stop. After dropping him off, I drove straight to the gym but the wireless headphones I bought were going dead. I MUST have my headphones to workout. Tuning out the world and going into that safe space inside me requires headphones. Needless to say, although I’d already purchased an energy drink, I left it unopened and exited the gym.
By then, getting back to my house in traffic just seemed like something I would need caffeine to do, so I went by Racetrac to get coffee for me and gas for the truck. I must’ve been tapping on the fill button a lot because a lady looked at me and nodded. That nod signifying, “Girl…I understand.” We ended up having a cool, five minute coffee about Blue Mountain Coffee and Whole Foods. I don’t remember much of it but, after having the caffeine, things began to make sense again.
It was gallery day. I decided to just relax instead of rushing back to the gym. So, I decided to take my time getting ready and started taking down my hair. I have 4c hair. At night I plait or twist it so it’s easier to style the next day. If you know what I mean, you probably have 4c hair. If you don’t, I can’t explain it. I suggest researching 4c Hair on Youtube. It will enlighten you.
But…taking down my hair took longer than I expected and I couldn’t figure out what to wear. I still ended up rushing to the gallery. I had fun though. The gallery is a great place to do art business and I ended up getting a lot of work done, including the press release for our upcoming show.
I did make it back to gym plus I already had my energy drink chilled, fresh from my refrigerator. After an invigorating workout, I came home and ate arroz con pollo. It was delicious. The evening rounded out with me: replaiting my hair, watching Will Farrell and Kevin Hart in Get Hard (I put it in the funny with no substance category…one of my favorite categories) and ate some cookie crumbs from earlier.
I think that I forgot to mention that I’d dropped by Edelweiss, the German bakery, and purchased a mixed bag of teeny, tiny cookies. While there, I dropped my license…which I didn’t realize until later. I ended up frantically calling around until a voice inside me said, “Call Edelweiss. It may be there.” So, I did…and it was. Yay!
So, a day without a nap went well…although a little more intensely, weird and sporadic in moments. That’s ok. I’ll take that over groggy boredom any day of the week.
Well, actually it’s day twenty-five now, but who’s counting? My Amir (my youngest son) called me away for mommy duty before I could finish writing last night so, que sera sera.
But the question remains, has it really been twenty-five days? It’s true. Time does keep on slippin’…into the future, and I starting feel as if thirty days isn’t long enough for this type of journey. Well, trying to cram a lifetime worth of personal development into such a short time is a bit ballsy. Maybe, it can still be done?
But, should that be the mission? Can changing one’s life be measured in days? I think it’s the sort of thing a person should savor over the course of a lifetime. I gave myself thirty days. Let’s see how this works out.
Jimi was right. Manic Depression messes with your head…even when undiagnosed. I’m not trying to revel in yesterday’s whirlwind of crazy. Tonight is the Full Moon in Aries. I’m ready to fire up some change!
Today has been much better. I’m sitting here in my little writing nook, having a cup of chamomile tea infused with Ra’mon Seed and MCT oil. A kind lady, a sales rep but a nice lady nonetheless, rub my inflamed shoulder with CBD lotion and I feel much better. I had a required workshop at CareerSource Broward (The Unemployment Office). It was actually pretty cool and my re-employment counselors are really inspiring. In fact, they gave me a lot to think about. It’s been a strange, almost forced transition but the universe is shaking up my life routine for a reason. I’m ready to take it one day at a time now. Pray for me or if you send Love and Light, I’ll take some of that too.
I’m keeping this short because like I said, it’s a full moon. I’m going outside to take pictures and celebrate my life. Some people didn’t make it this far, and for my life, I am grateful. Maybe I’ll even howl at the moon. Is that too much? Naw…we’ll see.
Short Term Goal: Howl at the Moon and Enjoy the Experience
Long Term Goal: Manifest My Desires and Love the Journey of Self Discovery Along the Way
I’m noticing a pattern. Forced Happiness. Compounded Depression.
I’ve been trying to fight it all day…but I fucked up and watched The Shape of Water. Why did I do that? Guillermo Del Toro movies are always so depressing but I was tricked by the happy dancing scene in the trailer. By the end, I wanted to throw myself from a window.
I spent the earlier part of the day reveling in sunshine. It was a beautiful day. I took pictures and enjoyed laying out in the sun. But, somehow, I ended up in my room again. Sad and Unable to shake this pervasive feeling of loneliness. I gotta get out of here!
Florida is full of vampires that walk in the daylight. People who love the dark are all around me, blocking out the sun. Why? Why am I so sad all of the time?
I’m on this journey and usually I don’t write about the sad stuff, but it is what it is. The truth is right now I am sad…and I wish that I wasn’t. I gotta get out of Florida. It’s a bootshaped hellhole with murderous savages and hooded night riders. It’s Klan Kountry dripping in sunshine and designed to keep me, the indignant negress in my place. I feel like a woman without a country. A foreigner in my homeland. The unwanted.
So, tonight I’ll try to conquer this sadness. Pray for me. Pray that I find some way to escape this sad, loneliness before I lose this tenuous grasp that I have on my sanity. Please.
Short Term Goal: To feel happy and not sad.
Long Term Goal: To Manifest My Desires and to Know What Those Are Before I Die
So, skipping a day has become a habit…but for good reason. I had a busy day yesterday, but I can’t even remember what it was that kept me occupied. I took Amir to the school bus stop. Came home did some housework and then went to the gym. I came home and piddled around until I fell asleep while reading one of my favorite Beverly Jenkin’s novels.
I know that I kept my mind on staying positive. Whenever I fell into negative thinking, I rerouted that train onto something that made me smile. Maybe that’s why I was so tired. All that mental rewiring is tiring!
Today, I was busy, but it was odd. I had an interview, which I’d forgotten. Before going to the interview, I needed to do two things: go to the bank and grab some gum. The line at the bank was ridiculously long. It was so long that two men almost came to blows right in front of me.
Apparently the first dude was irritated that the second dude was breathing on him. They began to argue. It escalated, so I said, “Why don’t you two separate so we don’t have to deal with this. I’ll stand between you, so he can’t breathe on you.” Well, they got quiet and no one volunteered to move. I went back to reading my book, but I was bothered.
(Yes, I had enough time to read a book in the bank line. They had two tellers and the line was going out the door.) It’s just too dangerous to have the lines that long. I approached the manager and let her know, none to kindly, that if I get hit with a flying punch, I will have no recourse except to sue. She looked at me as if I’d grown a third head. I got back in line. Oh, well.
After the bank, I headed off to my interview, but I felt as if I needed gum. Why? My mouth felt dry and my breath probably smelled like dry hate. I stopped at 711 to pick up a cheap pack of gum. After grabbing two packs of gum priced 35 cents each. The cashier said, “$1.17”. Now, I’m no math genius but I know 35 plus 35 doesn’t equal 117. I asked why the price didn’t match the label. She said, “Maybe it’s tax”. I was like, there’s no tax on food in Florida but even if there were that wouldn’t add up to an extra 47 cents. So, instead of giving her grief about it because it’s not her fault, I sent a picture of the labeled gum and my receipt to the corporate offices. Let them deal with it.
After all of that, I made it to the interview. It was kind of generic but worth it. The job pays more than teaching and I hope that it works out.
Short Term Goal: Keep Sending Out Good Energy, It’s Helping Smooth the Way. Also, Write Down What I want to Manifest.
Long Term Goal: Manifest My Dreams and Enjoy Life.
I started writing yesterday but got sidetracked and passed out. All I know is, it was a good day. I prayed for a good day. I willed myself to have a good day. I focused on having a good day and I fell asleep happy.
Today, I had a good day in a different sense. It was a learning day full of lessons, illustrated and played out in a way that this Cancerian can understand…sideways. This morning, I watched a tarot reading and it resonated with me. I really needed those words. I needed to hear that message. It left me with a clear perspective. I am truly traveling to new horizons and it feels good.
I went to the gallery and it started out laid back as usual. As I began to prepare to close the doors, I couldn’t find the key. It’s a single key, small and apparently easy to misplace. I turned the place upside down and couldn’t find it. I panicked, called the gallery owner and tried to fish garbage bags out of the dumpster. I’d been wearing overalls, a la Bananarama in the 80’s, that had deep pockets. I put myself through a series of half undressing and the key did not make an appearance. I went to the bathroom to change into a skirt, took of the overalls, turned them upside to begin folding…and the key fell out.
I was so happy to find the keys that I began laughing. Laughing and Thanking the Universe that that blasted key had turned up. Talk about Gratitude! I let the gallery owner know that the key had appeared. He hadn’t gotten upset. His response was, “It happens. I’m just glad it turned up. How cool is that?
Today reminds of something I’d seen on a movie marquee, “Everything Is Illuminated”. It is. Everything comes to light, sooner or later. A missing key. Codependent Emotional Habits. All of it. My mission now is to be more than observer of myself. I am no longer allowing myself to float on the sea of Complacency. As Cree Summer’s song says, “Savior Self”. Well, she gives good advice. I’m gonna take it.
Short Term Goal: Laugh in the Face of Adversity…and Be More Observant.
Long Term Goal: Manifest My Desires and Live Well
My soundtrack for the day includes, “Smile Bitch” and “Tear the Roof Off the Mother”. I’m just ready to be an Indignant Negro. My money is funny, and my change is strange, but a Sista is ALIVE. I am GRATEFUL. That car accident in April could’ve been the end of me. It wasn’t. So, what the hell am I depressed for, hmm?
Yasssss…as the Queens say. Yass and Damn and Honey Bee!
I am one of those New Age types who feels like my feelings are everything. When I feel myself reveling in negative thoughts or emotions, I have to switch it up. Now some people may call that moody or flaky or even insane. I call it self-mastery and I Love It.
Today, I’m at the gallery. I’ve made gallery days my Art Mama business days. It’s a great environment to keep my motivated and chill place to work. The Art Mama website is almost ready and I’ve been getting things done!
High Five, Myself!
Short Term Goal: Keep Livin’ My Best Life
Long Term Goal: Manifest My Desires and Prosper!
I ain’t even gonna lie. Last night was rough. My nasal allergies kept triggering long, painful sneezing spasms. The loop of things I never want to think of at 3am kept playing behind my eyes. I turned on my salt lap but turned it off again…and loneliness laid down on me like a heavy blanket. I was in a miserable state. It was a struggle.
Then, after going back and forth trying to force myself to feel less sad, more happy, I sat up and did magic. That’s right. I put an end to all that sh*t by taking my hands and physically pushing away the negative energy from old relationships, people and things that no longer serve me. You may not believe me, but it worked. I felt better. I was even able to write down some ideas for the gallery. Not bad. A healing and a manifestation all in one, and I did it for myself.
One thing I know about making changes in my life, once the declaration is made, the testing begins. So, be ready. If you are a person beginning a journey and it seems as if everything you’ve been fighting comes onto your path, don’t worry. That’s how this works. Even Jesus was tested…according to The Bible (I spent a lot of time in church with my family as a child).
This morning, I felt really tired…because I hadn’t had much sleep. Before the dreaded loop could begin to play in my head, I put on Wayne Dyer. Then, I played Louise Hay. They always give good advice and when I take it, I feel good. So, that’s my short-term goal for the day…to feel good. I think that’s a worthy goal.
Long Term Goal: Manifest My Desires and Live Blissfully