I’m noticing a pattern. Forced Happiness. Compounded Depression.
I’ve been trying to fight it all day…but I fucked up and watched The Shape of Water. Why did I do that? Guillermo Del Toro movies are always so depressing but I was tricked by the happy dancing scene in the trailer. By the end, I wanted to throw myself from a window.
I spent the earlier part of the day reveling in sunshine. It was a beautiful day. I took pictures and enjoyed laying out in the sun. But, somehow, I ended up in my room again. Sad and Unable to shake this pervasive feeling of loneliness. I gotta get out of here!
Florida is full of vampires that walk in the daylight. People who love the dark are all around me, blocking out the sun. Why? Why am I so sad all of the time?
I’m on this journey and usually I don’t write about the sad stuff, but it is what it is. The truth is right now I am sad…and I wish that I wasn’t. I gotta get out of Florida. It’s a bootshaped hellhole with murderous savages and hooded night riders. It’s Klan Kountry dripping in sunshine and designed to keep me, the indignant negress in my place. I feel like a woman without a country. A foreigner in my homeland. The unwanted.
So, tonight I’ll try to conquer this sadness. Pray for me. Pray that I find some way to escape this sad, loneliness before I lose this tenuous grasp that I have on my sanity. Please.
Short Term Goal: To feel happy and not sad.
Long Term Goal: To Manifest My Desires and to Know What Those Are Before I Die